UNTOLD TRUTHS: I SAVED MY BODY THROUGH THE DARKNESS OF DIVORCE

I’m about to share something deeply personal. It’s something that very few know about me, aside from the friends I’ve had in my life for over 30 years. I’m sharing this now because I’ve witnessed a rising tide of divorces, breakups, and heartache from people who are grappling with a love they thought was real. The pain of realizing that what they thought was solid has crumbled is real, and I want to share a piece of my journey in hopes that it helps someone else in their healing.

Divorce is not just the end of a legal bond; it is a soul-shaking transformation. The betrayal, the abandonment, the treatment like I was disposable were the scars that marked my journey. But amidst this chaos, I made a choice that was painful, sacred, and ultimately freeing: I chose to honor my body. I chose to honor what had been and to honor the soul that I had become.

It was not so easy for me to just “move on”. In fact, the thought of another man touching me made me physically ill. It was not because I was deeply in love with my ex-husband. It was because I knew if I let another man in my bed, it would only be to ease the pain and it would not be for love or even the hope for a relationship. Having sex would become a drug and I could not go down that route.

Although I was deeply betrayed, discarded like trash, I made the excruciating decision to respect who I was with until the very end. I didn't seek comfort in someone else’s arms. I didn’t want to fall into the lie that temporary intimacy could fill the void or erase the pain. I knew that sex would only be a fleeting fix, a momentary distraction from the real work that needed to be done. So, I held steadfast. I chose to keep my body untouchable, not out of punishment or anger, but because I knew that to heal, I had to first reclaim my energy and protect it from further fragmentation.

This wasn’t just about withholding myself. It was about choosing peace over chaos, and depth over distraction. I knew that inviting someone into my body during such a volatile time would only add another layer of confusion of unhealed energy to a life already overflowing with the residues of past hurt.

INTIMACY IS POWERFUL

it carries the energy of two souls intertwining for better or for worse, regardless if it is a marriage, or a short or long term relationship connection. And I couldn’t afford to dilute my soul with someone who wasn’t aligned with the healing I needed. I couldn’t afford to let a moment of physical connection be an emotional band-aid for something far deeper.

It was a painful decision, yes. But the choice to honor myself in that way was an act of love. The final act of love I could give to both myself and the person I had once been. Even though I was never respected in the way I deserved, something deep within my soul knew I had to end this chapter with dignity. It wasn’t about saving them, it was about saving me. The signature on the divorce papers was just a formality. I had left him emotionally LOOONNNGGG before the ink was dry. I never trusted him, there was never a safe space for me with him and I always felt naked; exposed because he never protected me. NEVER.

DON’T DO IT!

I remember scrubbing my body so hard that it became raw and red when I took showers, because I just wanted his residue, his darkness and the toxic-ness off me. It made me physically sick to the stomach. I was disgusted with myself and I wanted so bad to be under someone else to get that darkness off me. In my eyes, being under someone was the BEST method of grounding at the time, although my higher self was always screaming - DON’T DO IT!

For months I resisted the pull to seek comfort in the arms of someone else. The temptation was there, especially in the angry wounded moments when I just wanted the pain to disappear. But I knew that the temporary relief wouldn’t heal anything. It would only postpone the true healing that needed to happen within me. So I held onto my body, kept it sacred, and used the time to truly heal in my mind, body, and soul.

IT WAS ABOUT SELF-RESPECT

This decision wasn’t about wanting my ex back. It wasn’t about trying to rewrite the past. It was about self-respect. It was about reclaiming what had been taken from me, and protecting my energy from the chaos that still lingered. The truth is, every time we invite someone into our intimate space, we are exchanging energy. Too many connections, too many fragmented moments of intimacy, leave us spiritually drained and emotionally scattered. Our bodies are sacred, and intimacy should not be used as a quick fix for the emptiness inside. We heal by sitting in our pain, facing our truths, and rebuilding ourselves from the inside out.

There were times when the world seemed to mock me and women were paraded around me and my son as if it was some sick joke to further strip away my dignity. And as human as I am, there were moments I wanted to retaliate. I wanted to throw someone into my bed or parade them around, to make a statement, to ease the pain of feeling discarded and invisible. But I never budged. I held strong. Not out of pride, but out of deep respect for my body, for my son, and for the finality of what was never meant to be with that person. I stood firm, even when it hurt like hell, because I knew that to move forward, I had to finish this chapter on MY TERMS. I HAD TO TAKE BACK MY CONTROL. My strength was in my restraint. I held on until the end, not for anyone else but me.

To silently reclaim your power and do the deep inner work, even when the world around you whispers that you are losing, that you’ve lost, and that you are nothing, and holding firm to that quiet strength and healing becomes the most profound experience I’ve ever known. For after you’ve in essence, spiritually fasted, what emerges is nothing short of a transformative awakening so profound and beautiful, it defies belief.

Second only to sharing a beautiful bond with your amato, that experience is one of the most profoundly passionate journeys I wish for anyone to know—whether family, friend or unknown foe.

HE DOESN’T GIVE A DAMN, NEVER DID, NOR DO I…

I didn’t want someone else’s energy mixing with mine before I had healed the wounds I needed to heal. I didn’t need another temporary distraction. I needed alignment. I needed to get right with myself before I could ever open up to another soul again.

This decision was not about punishing anyone. It wasn’t about sending a message to my ex. He did not give a damn AT ALL (never did) and he still doesn’t give a damn; nor do I. It was about doing what was spiritually right for me. It was about honoring the person I had become and respecting my journey no matter how painful. In doing so, I protected the sanctity of my being and cleared the path for something far more meaningful in the future.

The truth is, when we choose to honor ourselves in this way it isn’t just an act of self-respect it’s an act of healing. We are not meant to heal through distractions or through seeking solace in others when we are broken. Healing is a solitary, internal process. It’s about reclaiming your energy, restoring your peace, and aligning your body, mind, and soul before ever sharing that sacred space with someone again.

So, if you are walking through the fire of a breakup or a divorce, I invite you to consider the importance of this. Your body, your energy, is sacred. You deserve to heal fully before giving yourself away to anyone. The true act of love is not in seeking solace in another’s bed, but it’s in learning to stand strong in your own, honoring yourself fully, and becoming whole again.

By protecting your body, your soul, and your energy, you create the space for something far greater than any temporary fix. You allow yourself to heal not just in your mind, but in your spirit. And from that space, you will rise, stronger, more authentic, and ready for the love that will honor you the way you deserve.

I HAVE NEVER REGRETTED THIS

I am deeply proud of myself for this moment; I have NEVER regretted this. And in saying this, I recognize that my need for privacy runs deep, perhaps more than most. Yet, in sharing these personal echoes of my soul with you, I hope they touch you in a way that soothes your spirit, reminding you that you are never truly alone.

My greatest hope is that my echoes heal you in ways you never thought possible, lifting you to a place of peace and restoration beyond what you could ever imagine.

Until next time, friends… xox